The idea I’d like to explore for tonight is: what is the attitude in the mind?
There’s always something going on in our experience, something we are seeing, touching, hearing, tasting, etc. The mind then evaluates that experience: it has an opinion. It wants to hold onto it, it wants to push it away, or it doesn’t really care. Based on the evaluation, we’re often acting — without even being aware that the attitude is present in the mind in the first place.
So one question we can occasionally come back to in practice is: What attitude is present in my mind right now?
What we really want to cultivate is discernment — seeing more clearly what is helpful and what is not helpful. In Buddhist teachings this is sometimes described as wholesome and unwholesome, but it’s important to understand that this is not about good or bad, or right or wrong. Those are moral judgments we tend to add on top.
Before all of that, can we simply notice the impulse? Is there pushing away? Is there trying to hold on? Am I confused about what’s happening in my mind right now? That question itself can become a kind of mindfulness bell, especially when we feel stuck or lost: Do I want to get rid of this experience? Do I want to hold onto it? Am I confused about whether I want it or don’t want it?
The Mind’s Habitual Reactions
In the Buddhist teachings, there’s a framework called the Four Foundations of Mindfulness. One part of that practice involves becoming aware of experience as pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral.
Experience comes in, it gets filtered, and then we end up with the impression of it as pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. And we have habitual reactions to each one. Usually, unpleasant experience gets pushed away. Pleasant experience gets held onto. Neutral experience gets ignored.
The teachings say the experience itself is simply what it is. Then our system adds the label — pleasant, unpleasant, neutral — and we start reacting, often without awareness. When that happens, we often create more stress or suffering. If something unpleasant is present and you’re pushing it away, it’s already unpleasant — now you’re adding resistance to it, which often makes it worse. You’re in pain, you hate the pain, and now you end up with more pain.
Of course it’s natural not to want pain. But what we begin to see through practice is how the mind inadvertently creates more suffering through resistance. Part of the practice is learning not to react immediately. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to change difficult conditions. But if, in this moment, you can’t change something, then maybe the practice is to change your relationship to it. As Maya Angelou said: “If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”
Wanting, Clinging, and the “Neutral” We Overlook
The same thing happens with pleasant experiences. We can get really looped into wanting, which can actually feel nice — unless we can’t get the thing we want. Then it becomes painful. We cling. We insist we have to have it. And again, we create more suffering.
At the same time, we often overlook neutral experiences completely. But that neutral or mildly pleasant field can actually bring a lot of calm, ease, and regulation into the nervous system. If we only pay attention to what is painful or intensely pleasurable, we end up flipping back and forth between different forms of suffering. Learning to notice the quieter, more neutral moments can bring a surprising amount of peace.
What the Buddhist Psychology Emphasizes
In a lot of modern mindfulness spaces, mindfulness gets translated into awareness of thoughts and emotions. That’s helpful. But in Buddhist psychology, the deeper question isn’t just “What am I thinking or feeling?” The question is: Is this leading toward suffering, or away from suffering? Is it leading toward helpful actions or unhelpful actions? Toward greater happiness or greater pain?
That’s what the teachings mean by wholesome and unwholesome. When we start looking closely, we begin to notice certain recurring patterns in the mind: wanting, not wanting, and confusion. In Buddhist language these are sometimes called greed, aversion, and delusion — the “three root poisons.” But really, they point to very human experiences: Wanting, not wanting. and being confused.
These patterns create so much suffering in the world — and they also exist in all of us. They’re gradients. Sometimes there’s a small preference. Sometimes there’s intense craving. Sometimes there’s mild irritation. Sometimes there’s rage. And sometimes we want something so badly that it stops mattering how we get it. The practice is not about judging ourselves for any of this. It’s about understanding our own system.
As the mind settles — whether through meditation, retreat, or simple moments of slowing down — we start seeing more clearly. We notice: “Oh, I’m creating suffering right now by really wanting this.” Or: “I’m creating suffering by really not wanting this.” And we also start to notice when these states are absent. Maybe you’re sitting there thinking about something pleasant coming up this weekend. There’s wanting in the mind. Then your attention shifts, and suddenly there’s no wanting. What does that feel like?
Over time, we begin to recognize the felt consequences of these mind states in the body and nervous system. We also start noticing the chain reaction: Something unpleasant happens, then comes resistance, then an impulse to act, then words or behaviors, then consequences. Slowly we begin asking: Is this aligned with my values? Does this actually lead to greater happiness or greater suffering? That discernment becomes a kind of compass.
There Is No Judgment in Observation
One of the most important parts of this practice is understanding that observation is not judgment. If anger is present in the mind, that doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. If wanting is present, that doesn’t make you a bad person. We’ve often learned to immediately conclude: “I shouldn’t feel this.” “I’ve been practicing so long — why is this still here?”
The practice is simply to observe. Because if we judge the experience itself, then we’re just adding another layer of aversion. That doesn’t mean we should act on every impulse. We can recognize that certain actions will likely lead to suffering. But there’s no moral condemnation in noticing what’s happening. It’s more practical than that. If you want to be happier in your life, don’t feed the things that create suffering.
The Common Feeling of “Not Wanting”
What becomes really interesting is that the attitude of “not wanting” often feels the same, regardless of the situation. The feeling of not wanting pain doesn’t actually feel that different from not wanting to get out of bed in the morning, or not wanting to do the assignment you promised you would do. The common factor is the resistance itself. Usually we conflate the resistance with the situation. We think the problem is the pain, or the task, or the circumstance.
Instead, we can begin noticing the attitude underneath it all: The not wanting. When we can recognize that pattern clearly, we start seeing it everywhere. That awareness alone can begin to loosen the entanglement and bring a little more freedom into our lives.
Thank you for reading,
Christiane Wolf