With all the difficulty going on in the world in the last year, I’ve frequently come to this place of feeling at a loss of what to do. I’d like to discuss this sense of feeling at a loss as an opportunity to practice wise intention; to turn toward what is activating in me, and ask: what are my values, and what is my intention for how I want to show up in the world?
One of my mentors, Gil Fronsdal, likes to say, if you’re only free when you’re comfortable, you’re not really free. Because if everything is cool and easy, practice isn’t hard. But when things are not cool, when it’s not easy, then we actually put our practice to the test. We have to be intentional.
For me there are two questions. One is: what kind of world do I want to live in externally? And equally important: what kind of world do I want to live in internally?
It’s easy to say, “They make me feel this way. They make me angry, they make me upset.” And yes: a terrible event happens, or someone does something I think is awful, and then I feel angry or overwhelmed. But the real question then is: what do I do with that now? If I’m having a reaction and I say to myself, “I don’t like how this feels,” do I just run with it? Or do I bring attention to it and say, “I want to be informed by this feeling, but I don’t want to react”?
When we get triggered, we often go into fight or flight. We get angry, or we withdraw. And sometimes we even misuse our practice to withdraw and pretend everything is fine. We have to be careful not to meditate ourselves into disengagement. Practice is meant to help us stay engaged, not check out.
That’s where wise intention comes in. Wise intention has three components: renunciation, goodwill, and not harming. I’d like to focus for now mainly on goodwill. Perhaps you are familiar with loving-kindness practice, a meditation practice where we send friendly, loving wishes to beings across five categories: someone easy to love, ourselves, neutral people, difficult people, and eventually all beings. We start with sending the wishes of goodwill where it’s easiest, wishing a loved one well. Sometimes even that isn’t all that easy, and that’s okay. We’re just trying to incline our minds in toward goodwill, and away from tension and stress.
Sometimes we don’t want to let go of our anger because it feels familiar, or because we think staying angry means we’re staying loyal to a good cause. But the point is not to pretend everything is fine, it is to be regulated enough to act wisely. Otherwise we’re just passing triggers along. And the hard truth is: it’s us who have to stop that cycle, not the other person. Only we can change our own mind.
There’s a story from a monk practicing in Asia who had a snake living in his hut. He tried leaving the door open, but the snake stayed. Finally he sat down and practiced goodwill toward the snake. He acknowledged that they lived on different planes, that being so close was dangerous for both of them, and that the forest would be a better place for the snake. And the snake left.
The point wasn’t loving the snake up. It was wishing it well and asking it to go away. That really stayed with me. I wish you well. I don’t want you harmed. But please be far away from me.
What if loving-kindness were really about not losing our goodwill toward people? About deciding what kind of inner world we want to live in? I don’t like the inner climate of anger, resentment, and reactivity. Anger itself isn’t the problem, and it can certainly be appropriate. It’s good starting fuel, but if we keep using it, it harms us and others.
The practice is to let anger move through, to use it as information, and then to transform it into something that’s not reactive. We will mess this up, because we’re human. That’s when the practice becomes: what do I do when I mess up? Can I repair? Can I apologize sincerely?
Warmly,
Christiane
__________________________________________________________________________
Bring your practice into community and deepen your practice of lovingkindness:
Join Next Week’s Community Dharma Nights – Experience guided meditation, teachings, and connection with fellow practitioners. Register Here
Explore Weekly Sits & Group Events – Find a regular practice space to support your mindfulness journey. Upcoming Classes